1. It’s 4:14 AM. I should be sleeping but I screwed around with my consciousness and fell asleep today at 5 PM.

2. A. Waking up at 9, I gorged on some quinoa and chicken. And I’ve spent my saturday night uneventfully alone. Ate an apple. Didn’t feel lonely.

B. There’s a distinction between feeling lonely and physically being alone.

3. I feel like I really can’t write these days. It just seems so exposing, and so taxing. 

4. Lately, I’ve been having ideas for screenplays, and I wish I could make it perfect. The way it was when it first fell into my mind. But it seems like the more I try to hold it down, the more it distorts, until it becomes a monstrous cliche.

5. My dream of traveling begins in some time. I’ve been there before, but I’m going to reintroduce myself to it. I’ve grown and become someone different, and it’s time to reacquaint myself with mornings and nights in Seoul.

6. Seems like I’ve reached a stasis; with being okay by myself and still preventing a total close-off of the outside world. I can put down the distractions I maintain to avoid self-confrontation.

7. Growing up hardly seems as scary, now.

Hello friends :) please check out Magnetic North and Wong Fu Productions’ new music video, Home:Word. 

Sending a message of family and love weathering through tough times!

Had an amazing time working with Cindy Cheung, Ed Lin, and Ray Chu :D please support and share hehe.

the color of my clouded drink matches the murk in my mind. i walk home in the fog and i make my way to the station. the air is breezy and warm, unlike what a night in december should feel. i am accepting, tonight. of the present around me, of what work entails the wednesday morning ahead.

complaints had filled my lips moments before, and then i found myself sleepily singing the anthem of rest. the march home is aware, and satisfying, and edifying. the slick cool of faint rain drops evading my umbrella calms me.

my body retains all its training and stands tall, feet walking ahead on a trail it seems to know.

it’s been a while since i last wrote anything on my tumblr. i guess i’d been so preoccupied with life crap that i couldn’t get a moment to breathe and think.

a couple of days ago, i had a crazy lucid dreaming experience.

i was at peace with my mind. i knew i belonged here, in this dream. i told myself that as i walked down streets and commanded at will the weather and the environment.

a subconscious stream of thought existed, but it was as though it were engineered by my conscious state of mind. i knew what i wanted, and instead of panicking, i translated it into feelings that my subconscious could then realize in my dreaming space. 

i made it snow. i created roads that continued on and on, to destinations i was faintly aware of. i conjured whole rooms next to me, filled with things from memory, and past associations. i knew exactly where everything was in the room. vast though it was, i was the weaver; i was the architect and designer.

beauty

my room is a mess.

my metaphoric worlds are crashing.

how can you know someone and not really know.

i have questions but do i have answers

sometimes i pretend i do to help myself feel like i’m doing something with all these queries. 

sometimes i won’t put down my question marks and it sounds like an answer. 

i wish you would read the things i write

and maybe you’d understand why i love to read.

we are lazy lovers more interested in ourselves.

i can admit my faults

one by one.

i am selfish.

there.

now, you. 

one day i’ll write a book and it will be filled with all the things about myself that i’ve learned and come to hate. except, every fault of mine will be cleverly masked behind a veil of complacence and human prettiness. and this will be called human nature by a group of unhappy students in a comparative literature class some time in the future. the discussion will die there because each student will realize that the author was crazy, and that there was no subtext or deeper meaning to it all. when the professor gets fired for being incompetent, she will sigh and throw her hands into the air in defeat, because this was the only school that let her teach despite the horribly honest book she had written.

sometimes i am tinier than the little scars on my knees. remembering the hot summers of childhood play. pushing and crying past noon against the suffocating presence of infantile authority. my skin peeling to reveal a milky, bone-colored tenderness. a slow flush of red dots engulf my knees and high-pitched screams escape my battered throat.

explosives at the shore

boom-booming with the push of every crest

timed to the lunar pull with the water

crustacean creatures sinking

wondering why-

before shortly, dying

so

while i work on my next greatest masterpiece—

if such a thing exists, good.

i keep having nightmares

and i wake up so relieved that they’re untrue

but all day i have lingering feelings of unpleasantry.

tomorrow i see a (or rather, later today) certain individual

with whom i must trust with the truth—

something i used to like about myself—

being frank and honest.

but lately i find that it puts a downer on my day.

instead i’ve been averse to conversation

i’ve hidden away

i can’t stay underground forever, though

so i guess we’ll work our way up

slowly

through the bedrock

burning in a small and limited hell

chipping away at the cracks

up to where the demons are still demons

but afraid to call themselves by name

to where monsters wear masks

and i can’t see the labels

telling me what vices they devise in their devilish minds.

I’m going to try to write something everyday. is that too ambitious? maybe a minimum of once per week.

to keep me on track and (feeling) responsible, i’m going to create a little.. rubric here.

for each week i’ll have different topics and i’ll just keep writing about that one thing randomly for a week. we’ll see how successful this is. because i know i am frequently a victim of loss of inspiration, i’ll have some presets.

and if something interesting happens during that week i’ll obviously make changes and push the initial topic back.

oh and if you peeps have any requests.. let me know.

here is a tantalizing preview of what’s to come!

- indie films (i think i’ll spend a week just hunting out all the indie films my wallet will allow)

- books (time for some summer reading)

- cats (since i’m going to be an old cat lady, i figure it would be nice to just.. study cats. volunteer at a no-kill shelter or something)

- volunteer work (i’m signed up with nycares. you should be, too.)

- random reddit finds (to do in nyc)

- experiments with food

- new york city water reviews? i’ll try tap water, filtered, bottled, sparkling, etc. and i’ll figure out which one tastes the best? urgh. inspiration.. leaving.. already..

- parks. and recreation.

- concerts/shows. my summer will see many of them.

- dabbling in some painting? knitting? knitting! mayhaps i’ll knit some fall scarves for a contest winner of a contest i have yet to devise.

- chocolate. okay, i am literally just looking at things in my room now.

- oh. maybe i’ll do street interviews about.. stuff. will have to make a new and less private blog if i do this one. strangers can be scary. but interesting! and odd. and even delightful! i’ll invest in some pepper spray for this one.. just in case.

ah that’s enough for now i think.

what’s different about this summer? oh, nothing.. i’m just living in manhattan and shyeahhhh.

afterthought: if i do the street interviews, maybe i can target couples and ask them awkward questions like.. what is love? do you love your partner? how often do you remind them that you do?

hahahahaha.